When Dr. Gary Chapman wrote his book The Five Love Languages over 30 years ago, he probably didn’t think it would become an essential part of every couple’s life.
Truly, learning your and your partner’s love languages is the best way to find common ground and communicate your needs within the relationship. Gary Chapman described five main love languages:
- Words of affirmation
- Acts of service
- Quality time
- Physical touch
- Receiving gifts
Knowing your love language can impact not only your relationship and communication but also your sex life. While sex doesn’t inherently count as a love language, despite some people believing it should, it plays a very important role in each person’s life. So, if you’re interested in finding out how you can pleasure your partner based on their love language, read on.
Words of Affirmation
People with word of affirmation language love verbal expressions of love and affection. They might want to always hear you say “I love you,” compliments, as well as getting verbal encouragement in all areas of their life. Suppose your partner’s language is words of affirmation. In that case, the best way to spice up your sex life and please them is to use your words in bed, from communicating your needs clearly, and asking them what they want from you to always making sure that you’re complimenting them during sex and letting them know how amazing they are.
People whose love language is words of affirmations might also appreciate some dirty talk in bed, so if you haven’t tried it already, give it a go. It’s a great way to spice things up. If you’re unsure where to start, here are some safe starting phrases for reference:
- “You’re so delicious. I can’t get enough of the taste of your cock/pussy.”
- “Did I tell you how hot you look between my legs, lying just like that?”
- “Nothing feels as good as feeling you inside of me/feeling your cock fill me up.”
Don’t be afraid to use words in the bedroom. Your partner will appreciate it.
Acts of Service
If your partner’s love language is acts of service, they love it when you go the extra mile to make their life easier or nicer. It could be activities from picking up groceries to making coffee in the morning, and even small details matter. One way to show your partner you love them through the acts of service love language is by prioritizing their sexual pleasure over yours from time to time.
While sex is about pleasure for both parties involved, sometimes you might want to surprise your loved one with spontaneous oral sex in the middle of the day, when they least expect it. Or, maybe spend one night fully catering to their pleasure, in a light dominant/submissive roleplay.
A lot of people confess to enjoying BDSM play because when you submit to your partner and let them run the show, you can simply lie down and relax, fully enjoying sex and your body. So, if your partner enjoys experimenting in bed, this might be the best way to show them your love. Just remember to communicate which activities are comfortable for both of you beforehand.
People whose love language is the quality time value their partner’s undivided attention and time spent with them the most. They might prefer to spend time with you when you’re not on your phone, or computer and they have your full attention without you being distracted. If this is your partner’s preferred language, then you can simply incorporate some quality time before having sex.
For example, if both of you have busy schedules and don’t have much time to be fully present together, schedule a date night. Make it special by taking a few hours away from your life responsibilities and take your significant other on a walk, or dinner, or even a movie, where you spend time together without thinking about taking out the dog or having to run for milk to the grocery store.
Turn off your phone, or at least notifications, and immerse yourself in your partner, attentively listening to what they’re saying and sharing your own feelings and emotions. After some quality time before moving onto the bedroom, your partner will be so much more interested in having sex, but don’t stop just there. Even during sex, you can try things that count towards quality time and build intimacy between you and your partner. Why not try longer foreplay, where you really get to explore your partner and their body slowly. Or maybe you want to go as far as trying tantric sex or slow sex, where you focus on the present and all the different sensations you’re experiencing.
People with physical touch love language prefer to show and receive affection in the form of, you guessed it — physical touch. It can manifest as acts such as holding hands, kissing, cuddling, and just being in close proximity to the partner when together. If your partner has this love language as their dominant language, sex is probably their preferred way of receiving affection. In this case, paying attention to different sexual activities you can try in the bedroom can be a great way to show them your affection.
Research different positions that you think they might like or different ways of having sex, such as hotel sex, and bring the options to the table to see what you both are interested in exploring. New experiences are not all, though — people with physical touch language love to touch their partner, so it’s important to incorporate as much of that during sex as possible.
Cuddles, long foreplays, and make-out sessions can be a great way to show your partner your affection in their preferred way.
This love language is the most common way how we know to show love because gifts are considered a common way to celebrate or surprise people, no matter the occasion. People with this language love it when you show them your affection by gifting gifts. And no, the value of the gift doesn’t matter — it’s the sentiment and the thought of it that counts. If this is your partner’s love language, you could spice up your sex life by giving them gifts that would make their sex life better or would bring them immense pleasure. Some sexy gift ideas could be:
- Sex toys they might enjoy.
- Sexy lingerie that they wouldn’t buy on a regular basis.
- Massage oils, flavored lubes, and other things you would utilize during sex.
- Erotic books if your partner loves to read.
- A ticket to a sex-related event like a burlesque show or a sex workshop you can attend together.
Make it a regular occurrence, whether every month or every other week when you surprise your partner with something special like that. Once again, the price of the gift doesn’t matter much to people with this love language. It’s the thought that you took the time out of your day to pick them a gift to show your love is what matters.
There are tons of ways to spice up your gift-giving game and make it very exciting for your partner. Who wouldn’t be excited to receive a small sexy gift every month from their partner? It’s a surefire way to ensure that passion in the bedroom never dies.
Show Love Outside the Bedroom as Well
Knowing your partner’s and your love languages can have great benefits for your relationship and sex life. However, it’s important to note that only sexual acts of love won’t satisfy your partner completely. You might think that if your partner’s love language is physical touch, you can show love by giving them oral sex or always offering sexual activities as a way to strengthen your bond.
While sex is important in every relationship, alone, it’s not enough to express your love and satisfy your partner’s love language needs. Mixing both sexual and non-sexual activities is the best recipe for a happy relationship.
Author: Karolina Wilde
This article was first published on Volonté blog.