When you can’t actually say it, say it with pink chocolate.
Human emotions are as complex as they are difficult. That’s why you choose to shove them way, way down into the black abyss you call a soul. But every once in a while, they manage to creep up on you. You could eat your way through them with a nice piece of chocolate cake, but you’re not that cliché.
Enter ruby chocolate, the edible sensation making waves in the culinary world. Where everyone else sees a delightful new dessert, we see the opportunity to vent years of unspoken rage. Here are a few ways to do just that:
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1. Build a fortress of solitude.
Those emotional walls you’ve put up ain’t got nothin’ on this dual-purpose masterpiece. Stack blocks of pink chocolate higher than your unrealistic relationship expectations; when you’re not shutting out all human contact, you can stuff your face.
2. Send your ex a message.
Why key their car when you can say it in cheerful pink letters? Nothing says “I hate your guts” like smearing melted chocolate all over that fresh paint job.
3. Re-paint the house.
When your landlord wants to raise the rent, don’t invite them to participate in a rational conversation, raise the stakes! Slap on a coat of melted ruby chocolate and turn their precious cash cow into a little pink piggy bank. Oink, oink sucka!
4. Patch holes in the wall.
You’ve put your fist through the wall in a blind rage, but you know anger is best bottled up and never spoken of. No one has to know about your little slip-up thanks to pink chocolate. It’s cheaper – and more delicious – than spackle.
5. Start a dialogue with your roommate.
Things between you two were going fine until SOMEONE started leaving their unwashed dishes in the sink for days on end. The 57 consecutive notes you’ve left taped to the fridge haven’t quite seemed to get your message across, so try encasing their most prized possessions in blocks of ruby chocolate until they complete their half of the chore chart.
6. Give a thoughtful gift.
Step 1: make a mold of your butt. Step 2: present it to your mansplaining boss with a card attached that reads, “EAT ME.” Happy Boss’s Day, indeed!
7. Treat yourself to a paraffin dip.
After all that self-expression, you’ll be in need of some R&R. Fill the crockpot with ruby chocolate and lose yourself in warm gooey bliss.
Disclaimer: MYSA editors do not recommend you use chocolate of any color in the manners described above. Eating is probably best.
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